Life makes me want to tell my story. But it's almost frightening to tell my story since I've been used to keeping it to myself for so long.

I guess the only reason you really tell a story like this is because it can do some good.

For you and for others.

Love is about risks. Life is about risks. And sometimes you've just gotta take a few...

Michael and I spent nearly four years talking to one another online before we met. And out of those four years we spent three of them in love.

And now four years later and three months after we've met things are different and still much the same. We spend almost every single weekend talking to one another online.

Ours is a story of love that faces obstacles. A story of interracial love. A story of age differences. A story of acceptance. A story of belief differences. And a story of love seperated by two countries.

I fell in love with him online, before we ever met. But how couldn't I?

He was Michael.

I think the definition of true love really becomes clear when love presents more obstacles than it does convenience.

When all there seems to be is one obstacle after another, proving to you that you have absolutely no control over the result of the love between you and someone else.

And the only thing that you can do is give into it and truly love no matter what.

This is my story. This is my life.

From the day I met Michael to before there was us...

I had never went out with anyone. No one I could claim was mine or offer myself as a claim to.

The only person that had ever occupied my time besides Michael was John. An eight year crush that I swore, at the time, was love. From the moment I saw him when I was ten years old up until I turned eighteen.

It was love at first sight. No one could tell me there wasn't wedding bells in my future. I swore I even heard them the moment I laid eyes on John. I was absolutely sure that he would marry me someday. And that I would be Mrs. Alderman.

After that I collected every moment that I could to support my feelings. What we had in common. His birthday. His hobbies. Where he lived. Anything and everything. It didn't matter. After all I loved him...

...so I thought.

Now I know differently. I justify the feelings now by saying that what I felt for John was my only comprehension of what love was at the time but not the true definition of love in its purest form.

It was a form of love. But not even close to what love truly is.

Looking back now. He was nothing other than a elaborated infatuation that was mainly built on dreams. I never really knew him at all.

And except for a few brief run-ins we barely even spoke. I mean what was I expecting? A miracle.

No one ever looked at a fat black girl with bad hair and acne.

I barely even looked at myself. I mean, for heaven sakes I didn't need any reminding that I wasn't "qualified for the position."

A girl's gotta dream right?

Once I initially came to my senses... eight years and an unanswered love letter later I realized that hell would freeze over and the fat lady would have to sing before John ever loved me. And alas, I forced myself to finally move on. Mind you it wasn't easy.

A geek only has dreams and when those are shattered. It presents a problem...

...the fact that fairy tales don't exist. At least not for girls like me anyway.

So I sucked it up and chugged along. Miserable for many reasons beyond that. A broken family. No friends, a sense of hopelessness with no reason to live. All I'd known was misery... all I felt was miserable.

Suicide seemed like the answer. And for a brief time I thought it was. I even tried to end it all with a bottle of pills.

But I suppose if you really want to kill yourself you don't try to end it the easy way.

You make sure that if you're going to end it... there's no going back.

But a failed attempt at suicide hadn't changed my perspective although in some morose aspect I was glad I was still alive.

Just not happy to be alive. If that makes sense.

All of the in between seemed to be a black cloud when I look back. Nothing seemed to satisfy me.

There was this big whole in my heart and I was terribly lonely. I had moved and I was no longer talking to my best friend.

So I had no friends at all. I had graduated high school several years prior and had no idea how to improve my life.

My mother and I were living together and my sister had moved off to Los Angeles.

The loneliness was weighing in on me. So I prayed that God would send me a friend and then I hopped online and came across a website and emailed several people.

I got a couple of responses back. Lol... I still remember one in particular. One guy told me he preferred to talk with someone a little younger.

I guess he was a little too young when I think about it. Twenty-three was suddenly "old" for an 18 year old.

After him a few came and a few went within the span of several days, and then a week later once I had given up on meeting anyone worthy on the net, I got a letter.

It was from Michael...

(to be continued...)