Should you stay with your partner or leave them? Is all the pain you suffer in your relationship worth it for the good times you have together? Will it really be worth all the pain of leaving them or is it better to stay and stick it out?

In most relationships there comes a point when you have to decide whether your partner really has the qualities you need to stay together. Making the decision to stay or go is almost always a very painful and confusing time as there generally isnt a quick fix or an easy answer to your questions.

I have a friend in a fantastic relationship who taught me that if its hard work its probably not working. This was an alien concept to me. I come from a therapeutic background which can sometimes promote the feeling that if its not hard work its not worthwhile. Years ago I made it my mission to figure out what made relationships work; there seem to be two approaches one more successful than the other!

Two Approaches to Relationships

The first is dont expect too much from your relationship and it will work out just fine! Some things are always going to be problematic. So what if sex isnt so important to one of you? So what if one party cant be relied upon to keep their agreements? So what if you never get to go on the holidays you really want to go on because your partner hates to travel? This may well work for some but its just not in my nature. As far as Im concerned, good enough just isnt!

The second approach is to insist on great chemistry; to find a partner who isnt perfect, but is perfect for you. The two primary areas you need to match up in are sexual chemistry and best friend chemistry. Youd think these two would be obvious to most people, but youd be wrong. People make compromises on these points very early on and then wonder why they spend the rest of their lives hurting.

Great chemistry doesnt mean itll be easy all the time - that would be unnatural. It means that youre excited and committed enough to work through the glitches as they arise rather than let them stack up. A stack of resentments is so much easier to set fire to.

Working Out Whether to Leave

So the biggest piece of work I have clients do when they ask me to help them decide to stay or go is to get them to design their perfect partner. You may think this strange if youre already in a relationship - but its just as valid now as it is when youre single. So, what would be perfect for you?

The things you should focus on as youre already in a relationship should be more emotional and behavioural in quality. Once youve sorted out what is perfect for you, you can start to ask yourself questions about your current partner to see if they meet up to your ideal. Does your loved one treat you with the level of respect you expect? Is he affectionate enough for you? Does she make enough time for you? These arent necessarily questions that apply to you. Ask yourself the questions that matter to you once youve worked out what ideal is for you.

A couple more questions you may want to ponder - If twenty years from now your partner hadnt changed in any significant way, would you still be happy as their partner? Would you consider your life together to have been more about adventure or more about endurance?

The strange thing is we often know what the problems will be in a relationship many years in advance. The only question is, when will you handle them? We all know the longer you leave them the more painful it gets.